I Understand
by iluvclarkkentxx
Summary: HPSB ONESHOT. SLASH. Harry needs to apologize to Sirius for getting his hopes up before he leaves for school, but both men end up with something much better than an accepted apology.


This story is set during chapter nine of The Order of The Phoenix, right after Harry's trial at the Ministry.

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**I Understand**

After my hearing, Sirius would constantly avoid talking to me. He spent most of his days up in Buckbeak's room. I couldn't help but feel guilty that I wasn't more upset. I would of loved to live with Sirius, but I didn't want to get expelled from Hogwarts just for that to happen.

Ron and Hermione just told me to ignore it, that he would get over it eventually, but I couldn't. He was my only family, and they couldn't understand that. They both had happy families and happy childhoods. They don't understand what it's like to lose your parents before you even get to know them. They weren't raised by an aunt and uncle who treated them like a servant. They didn't have to get beat up regularly by their cousin who was twice their size. No they didn't know what that was like. How could they understand?

Sirius understood perfectly well. He grew up in a pure-blood wizarding family who thought Voldemort's ideas were ideal. His family treated him like an outcast just like mine did to me. Then he was taken in by my father and my grandparents. They took him under their wing just like the Weasleys did for me. It's not that I don't appreciate the Weasleys and all they have done for me, but they aren't really my family. They have years of memories before I even knew who they were. No, they couldn't understand either.

Sirius was so lonely all his life. Then he was shoved in Azkaban for twelve years for a crime he didn't commit. He was forced into isolation. Even though he has escaped, he is still a prisoner in this house. Dumbledore won't even allow him to leave in his animagus form. I may not have been sent to Azkaban, but I know what it's like to be forced into isolation. I know what it's like to spend a good portion of my life with no one to talk to except for soul sucking monsters. Granted his were more literal soul sucking monsters, but I could understand.

I had to go back to Hogwarts. It would of probably been better if I never even mentioned the idea of living here until after the hearing, but I was so scared I was going to be sent back to the Dursley's. I wanted to make sure that I would have a safe place to live. With the one person I wanted to live with more than anyone. All I managed to do was get his hopes up. Sure he acted the happy godfather when I returned from the Ministry with the news that I was cleared of all charges, but while everyone was celebrating, he slipped off. He's been avoiding me since then. Well he was avoiding me as much as one could avoid another while living under the same roof.

Tonight I had to talk to him. Tonight was my last night in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Tomorrow morning I would be on the Hogwarts Express, and wouldn't see Sirius again until Christmas time. I had to talk to him. I had to tell him that I would love to live here with him, but I have to go back to school. I have to learn to be a stronger wizard if I was going to help take part in the war. Yes, that is what I will tell him.

It was true. I did need to go to school. I even wanted to, but I also wanted to stay here. I wanted to stay with Sirius. I loved him. I wish I could say I loved him like a godson should love his godfather, but I can't. I love him in the exact way a godson should never love their godfather. I don't remember when my feelings for him changed exactly, I just know that they did. Since I came here, it's only made my feelings stronger.

Every time he touches me, even if it is the lightest touch, a heat rises through my body I become intoxicated when I hear my name pass through his lips. When his bath robe starts slipping and I get a glance of his chest I feel exhilarated. I love him, but I could never tell him that. He may understand me better than anyone, but how could he understand that. It was just wrong. He was my godfather!

I found myself just outside his bedroom door. I was going to go in there, say how I'm sorry I can't stay, but that I need to go to school. Then I'm going to leave and head back into the bedroom I share with Ron. I knocked lightly, half hoping he would be sleeping and not hear me. I shouldn't be so nervous. It's not like I was going to tell him the whole truth.

I had to catch my breath when he answered the door wearing only his boxers. I had a perfect view of his chest. It was smooth and muscular, but still showed his age. I only found that more attractive. His long black hair laid loosely just above his shoulders.

"Harry? It's late, is everything okay?" He placed his hand lightly on my shoulder, I tried not to shudder under the touch.

"Yeah everything is fine. I just was wondering if we could talk. I mean, I have to leave tomorrow, and I had some things to say before I do." I wasn't sure if what I just said made any sense, but I didn't care when he moved over to allow me inside. He grabbed his bathrobe off of his desk chair and put it on much to my disappointment.

He sat down on the bed, and patted the spot next to him, gesturing for me to sit. He put his arm around my shoulder and looked right at me, but I couldn't look him in the eye.

"What's bothering you?" I couldn't stop staring at my socks.

"I'm sorry I have to leave tomorrow." That was almost what I wanted to say. It was the best I could do, and it got the message across.

"You don't have to be sorry, Harry. I know I been sort of distant since your hearing, but it's not your fault. I just got my hopes up that.."

"Then it is my fault! I should of never said anything until after my hearing."

"I was thinking it long before you said anything Harry. I've wanted you to live with me for as long as I could remember." I looked up at him and smiled. I know that was true. "It's just I want you here now more than ever." He removed his arm from my shoulder and looked out the window.

"I'm sorry Sirius. I wish I could stay, but I'll be back for Christmas."

"Yes," He turned to look at me once again, "Christmas. It seems so far away, doesn't it?"

"I know, I wish I had more time here. I'm going to miss you Sirius. I love you."

"I love you too Harry." I don't know why, but something didn't seem right about the way he said that he loved me. He reached up and placed his hand on my cheek. I lifted up my hand and placed it on top of his.

"Sirius.." He began moving his hand, and I dropped mine into my lap. He traced my bottom lip with his thumb slowly.

"Harry.." I could see Sirius leaning forwards, and my heart stopped. Then his lips were on mine. They seemed to take my bottom lip in between them before his tongue was tracing it in the same way his thumb was just moments before. I parted my lips to allow his tongue to slip inside and massage my own. I was flushed and never wanted it to end, but as quickly as it started, he pulled away. "I'm so sorry Harry."

He got up and began pacing around the room. I still sat in the same position completely dumbstruck. Sirius just kissed me. Really kissed me. Does that mean that he felt the same way that I did, or was this just some fluke?

"I should have never done that, Harry. I apologize. Oh my god, there is something wrong with me. I'm your godfather! Not to mention I'm more than twice your age."

"Sirius."

"You're only 15. How could I do this to you? I deserved to be in Azkaban, I'm a horrible person. If James was here now, he would kill me. How could I do this to him? How could I do this to you?"

"Sirius!" He stopped and looked right at me. "I'm not sorry."

"What? What do you mean? Theres nothing for you to feel sorry for."

"I'm not sorry that you kissed me." He was now the confused one.

"You're not?" I stood up and faced him.

"No. I'm glad you did it. I love you Sirius."I mocked his movements from before and cupped his cheek before letting my thumb trace his bottom lip. "Theres nothing for you to feel sorry for either." Then we kissed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his strong arms were wrapped around my waist, and he lifted me just inches above the ground.

I didn't even realize we were moving until I felt the soft mattress underneath my body. I reached down for the belt holding his robe together and untied it. I put my hands to his chest and moved upwards to his shoulders, where I pushed the offensive garment off his beautiful body. He broke the kiss to remove my shirt, and I lifted my arms up to make the job a bit easier.

We both continued to roam each other's bodies while only separating our lips to catch our breath. He reached for my belt, then pulled back to look into my eyes. I nodded to let him know it was okay for him to continue. He removed my belt and unbuttoned my trousers. He pulled them down, and also removed my socks. We were both wearing nothing but our boxers. Then he pulled his own down revealing his erection.

"Are you sure you want to do this Harry?" I looked at his naked body and knew there was nothing I would rather be doing.

"Take me Sirius." He then took off my boxers and wrapped his long fingers around my length. This was the first time anyone has every touched me like that and I knew I was going to come. He leaned down and flicked his tongue along the head of my shaft and I felt my balls tightening. Then I was coming. I could feel Sirius trying to lap up as much as he could with his tongue.

"Sorry, it's just I never.." Sirius smiled and moved up to kiss my lips again.

"Don't be sorry Harry. We're not finished yet." He began sucking on his fingers, coating them with his own saliva. I wasn't sure why he was doing this until I felt a bit of pressure at my entrance hole. He let one of his wet fingers slide into me. I tensed up around the finger. It wasn't a very comfortable feeling. "Relax."

I tried my best to relax, but was having a little bit of trouble. He let another finger slip inside me and had to hold a pillow to my face to muffle my screams. If two fingers hurt this bad, I don't think I could go through with this. Then as Sirius' fingers moved in a circular motion inside me, I felt a blast of pleasure shoot up my spine. Then he hit the same spot again and I felt that pleasure that was unlike anything else.

I grew hard in seconds and soon forgot about the pain. The pleasure overruled it. He inserted another finger, and I didn't complain. I arched up into his touch and began to push onto his fingers. I heard him whisper an incantation and then I felt the loss of his fingers. Then I felt something much larger than fingers graze my hole.

"Are you sure you want to do this Harry? There is no going back after this. Everything will change."

"I want this Sirius. I want this more than anything." He inched his way inside of me and I felt like I was being torn apart. My eyes watered and I bit my bottom lip so hard I drew blood. Once he was fully inside me, he stopped and leaned forward to kiss me, licking up the blood. I never felt so full. It was incredibly painful, but after a minute I urged him to move.

He started to thrust slowly inside me, while stroking me at the same pace. With each thrust, the pain became less and less. Then he hit that spot again and I felt the pleasure rush up my body. He kept hitting me in that spot over and over and I was wriggling below him in pleasure. His movements became quicker and more rash. He was moaning and leaned forward to capture my mouth in his once again. I could feel my second release coming but not before Sirius pulled away and screamed my name. Just seconds after, I came into Sirius' hand. He collapsed on my chest for a minute before rolling over to lay next to me.

He pulled me in close and I rested my head on his chest. He put his hand into my hair and stroked my unkempt locks.

"Harry?"

"Yes Sirius?"

"I know this is wrong, and I know no one will approve of this, but I want you. I want you to be mine, and I don't want to have to keep you a secret."

"I love you Sirius, and I want to be with you."

"Harry, I'm serious. I want all of you. I want to tell the world your mine. I have too, I need to."

"It's okay Sirius, I understand." I leaned forward a bit to capture his lips one more time.

"I know you do Harry. You're the only one who could."

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